Well, who the heck knew there was such a thing ? I sure didn't.
We've been starting preliminary packing to move in the next couple of months (hopefully before the holidaze🎄 🎅 ⛄ , but most likely after the New Year 🎉🎉🍻🌹) .
So last Saturday after breakfast : French toast (!!! 😍),
O.k, I have to say it. My Tess is a pack rat. No, she's not a member of the famous Rat Pack consisting of Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra
She didn't know that she was watching old videos, that the show was no longer on tv. When she found out, she was crushed.😭 (Frankly, I'm relieved. When I look at them, I can't help but think of the FEMBOTS from the Austin Powers movie.)😫
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| DEAN MARTIN AND THE GOLDDIGGERS |
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| AUSTIN POWERS AND THE FEMBOTS |
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Anyway, she IS a pack rat ! 🐀 She saves the wierdest things. In a corner of the garage is a big box, a HUGE box, the size of a small car 🚗 that is filled with , I kid you not, empty egg cartons !😣
I was bored, so I did a little "rearranging".
YOU'VE HEARD OF THE EGYPTIAN PYRAMIDS ,
THE DUFF GARDENS BEERAMID,
NOW PRESENTING (FANFARE)...............................THE OVAMID !!!
Sooooo, the other day when I found these I went into the house and found her making lunch.
Me: Baby, you aren't planning to take all of those empty egg cartons with us, are you ?
Her: Yes.
Me: Why ?
Her: I am going to use them.
Me: For what ?
Her: I am going to plant seedlings 🌱🌱🌱in them.
Me: Oh. Does that work ?
Her: I do not know.
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| APPARENTLY, IT DOES. |
Me: Well, why don't you try it now and if it doesn't then I can drag that box out to the curb.
Her: No.
Me: Why not ?
Her: Because we can still use them for the eggs.🍳
Me: What eggs ?🍳🍳🍳
Her: The ones the chickens 🐔🐔🐔will lay and then I can take the ones we don't use and sell them at the farmers market.
Me: Where was I when WE decided to raise chickens.🐣🐤🐥🐔
Her: England.💂
Me: And when were you going to tell ME ?
Her: I did.
Me: Why don't I remember ?
Her: Mmmm, 😇 you may have been asleep.😴
Me: I thought you didn't like chickens.
Her: I would rather have geese ,but you will not let me have them because of that "incident" in your childhood.
Me: Hey, those things are vicious !!!
Her: Oh, they are not. You are as bad as Alex and Peter and Tom. (From the BBC farm shows that she loves) Goose eggs are yummy and geese make better fertilizer. And better watchdogs.
Me: No.
Her: (sighs)
Me: But where did you get all of them ? Even you couldn't have eaten 1,067 eggs !!! (I did the math while I was typing this up).
Her: Honey, don't holler. it does not become you. The neighbors.
Me: What about the neighbors ?
Her: They are outside. They might think that we are fighting.
Me: We are !
Her: (giggling) Oh, we are not.
She went back to cooking and I looked out the kitchen window and saw our closest neighbor waxing his new car. His "better half " was talking to him and then she turned and started to walk towards our house and she was carrying something. When she came closer I could see what it was. EGG CARTONS 😧!!! I went out the back door,snuck around the side of the house and opened the garage door as she was walking in.
Me: Hi ! Watcha doing ?
Mrs. X : Oh, I've been saving these for Tess and I thought I'd bring them over.
She dropped them into the now empty box. Then she saw the Ovamid.
Mrs. X :Oh, how cute ! You two are so creative.
Me: Thanks. I was bored. Um, so how long have you been contributing to my sweetie's insanity?
( She could see that I wasn't kidding.)
Mrs. X : (She laughed nervously) A few months.
Me: WHY ???😆
Mrs. X: Well, she asked if she could have our empty egg cartons and she's just so sweet that I couldn't say no. Uhh, have you always had that throbbing vein in your forehead? Maybe you should have that looked at.
Me: Thanks, I will. Right after Tess' sanity hearing.
Mrs. X : (laughs) Oh, she's harmless.
She walked away.
Mrs. X: Oh! Don't forget dinner on Friday.
Me: Souffle or quiche ?
Mrs. X : Oh, you !
And she laughed all the way back to her house.
I sighed and added the new cartons to the ovamid and took another picture. Then I put them all back in the box. Maybe Mrs.X was right. It was harmless. I mean, it was only egg cartons, right. it's not as if my future wife and stepmother to my children was collecting something really weird like ........oh, I don't know.
I smiled and walked over to close the garage door when I saw another box. I walked over to it, looked inside, and felt a cold chill run up my spine. OH... MY...GOD.
I backed away and put the egg cartons all back in the box and closed the garage. I'd had enough for one day and I had worked up an appetite. When I went back inside Tess was setting the table. I went upstairs and cleaned up and when I came down again, lunch was served. I had my mouth all set for pasta but that's not what she made. To be fair, I didn't ask for anything ahead of time. She likes at least an hour's notice, but my stomache doesn't work that way.
Anyway, my precious set before me a beautiful cheese omelette (3 eggs, two kinds of cheese) and fried potatoes.
As she was clearing the table, I asked my little turtle dove what she was going to do with 1,067 plastic honey bottles.
Her: Oh, I only have one of those....so far.
I wanted to put her over my knee and spank her. 😠 Maybe later. 😉
Me: But what are you going to do with them ?
Her: Have you ever thought of having an apiary ?
Me: BEES !!! 🐝🐝🐝😬 NO !!! I'll buy you a pony.
Her: I do not want a pony.
Her: Martha has beehives. You do not have to do anything and at the end of the year a nice man comes and extracts the honey for you and you have pounds and pounds of raw, organic honey 🍯practically for free !
Me: You're not allowed to talk to Martha anymore. She's a bad influence. Next, you'll want me to plant those spooky looking apple 🍏trees she has that only look good on Halloween.
Her: No, those apple are too tart.
Me: Good. Did you get this chicken thing from her too?
Her: No. From "Babe."
Me: We are NOT raising pigs !
Her: I only want one. They practically raise themselves.
Me: I'm getting you a pony.
Her: I do not want a pony !
Me: You can't ride a pig.
Her: I will have to take your word for that.
Me: Zing !
Her: Silly.
Why do I keep wanting to sing the theme from "Green Acres" ?
Her: I think you would look very handsome in a vest and you would not have to worry about your tummy.
Me: What tummy ? Are you going to wear penoir sets and maribou slippers while you cook breakfast and keep threatening to leave me and go home to your mother ?
Her : Yes. And No.
Me: At least YOU can cook. I mean, she was pretty too, but.......
Her: Thank you.
Me: Alright. I can live with the chickens, I guess. And I'll think about the bees and we can talk about the pig.
Her:Thank you.
Me:Anything else ?
Her: Ostriches.
Me:Are you crazy ?!! They're worse than geese !
Me: Uh, A store ? Try Ebay. Why can't you be like other women and ask for diamonds, fur coats, or a new car ?
Her: Would you love me if I were that cliched ?
Me: No.
Her: Let's talk about the pigs now.
Me: ONE pig.
Her: It will be lonely.
Me: Babe was only pig and so was Wilbur. ( from Charlotte's Web")
Her: Babe had Fly and Wilbur had Charlotte and Templeton.
Me: So now you want a dog and a spider and a rat ?
Her: Yes.
Me: Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend !
Her: Not this girl.
Me: I think you're a little tetched in the head.
She came over and gave me a "Scully". A kiss on the forehead ala Gillian Anderson on the X-Files.
Her: I love you too, Honey.
Me: Yeah, YOU would.
A few hours later when we sat down to dinner.
Oh look ! Steak and EGGS !!!
What ? No deviled EGGS ???😧
And later that night for dessert...........
EGG Custard !!!😟
Me: What the heck is going on ?
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Why are you feeding me nothing but eggs ???
Her: It happens to be National Egg Day. I told you yesterday.
Me: You did not .
Her: Yes, I did.
Me: Where was I ?
Her: Mmmm, you may have been on the telephone.😞
Me: Are you making these "holidays" up ?
Her: No.
Me: I want to see that calender.
Her: I bookmarked it.
I looked for it, but I couldn't find it. I'm going to keep looking.
There has to be something I can drive HER crazy with. 😈
I know I shouldn't complain. Everything was delicious😋, but I found a feather when I combed my hair this morning.
And now I'm scared.😱
